As a huge fan of genre flicks, I'm well acquainted with the idea of "so bad it's good" movies and having to defend my sometimes ridiculous tastes against the pretentious film snobs who saw a David Fincher flick one time and decided the idea of a movie being "fun" was a little too much for them. That said, there is no genre film that squirts fun all over you like a sex comedy from the early 80's.
Obviously, this whole thing started with "Porky's" in 1981. Made by the almighty Bob Clark (Black Christmas, A Christmas Story) and based on his obviously-wacky high school years, it was raunchy, it made a killing and it inspired a whole slew of rip-offs and imitators like every good genre film has to. Let's not look down on this fact, though. Without "Halloween" rip-offs, we'd never have "Friday the 13th", "Prom Night", "The House on Sorority Row" or any other slasher flicks that so many of us know and love. I mean, as much as I love "Jaws", there are quite a few flicks like "Grizzly" that are outright dupes of it that I would hate to be deprived of.
Anyway, since "Porky's" is pretty much the be-all and end-all of 80's sex comedies, let's focus on the lesser-known flicks from the era that need to be celebrated. There's boobs, there's wacky hijinks, and there's always a song over the opening credits that uses the movie's title in the theme song.
1) The Last American Virgin
A US-based remake of a successful series of Israeli films known as "Eskimo Limon" ("Lemon Popsicle") made by the same writer/director, what puts this flick above every other in the pack is one simple difference: the ending! I'm not about to ruin this for people who haven't seen the flick, but the movie goes from being like every other 80's sex comedy ("Let's get laid before summer vacation is over!") for the first three quarters of its running time to something that absolutely sucker punches you in the emotional bread basket. Also, wrestling announcers don't use the term "bread basket" anymore so some of you crazy youngsters might not realize that means "gut". Get off my lawn.
It was also put out by the almighty Cannon Films, so you know you're getting something worthwhile. The dude that gets stabbed through the old stag film in Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter stars, along with that fat dude that seemed to be in every one of these movies back then.
2) Spring Break
This movie's about Spring Break. There's no real plot aside from two nerds getting stuck in a room with two meat-heads and somehow the whole thing working out for all of them. The meat-heads take the nerds under their wings and help get them over with the girls. The main meat-head looks like Bill Paxton and Dennis Quaid had a baby, so that's a bit of a strange plus.
He's on the right.
Jeff Garlin from "Curb Your Enthusiasm" shows up near the beginning as a guy that wins the bellyflop contest and (for a few minutes, anyway) fills the "big fat party animal" role that these movies so desperately need each and every time. It was also directed by Sean Cunningham of "Friday the 13th" fame, so we've got quite a weird pedigree on this one from top to bottom.
So this movie loses on plot and it isn't as all-out wacky as some other flicks. There's one thing that gets it over, and it's the fact that they cast the most beautiful woman to ever appear in any of these movies as the female lead: Corinne Alphen.
You can't fault the advertising guys for ruining the best part of the movie.
Roger Ebert actually gave the movie a halfassedly (I know that's not a word, but it sounds like a much more awesome version of "haberdashery") good review based on Ms. Alphen's performance. By "performance" I mean lip-synching really awful songs while looking really good. Sometimes people just look really good on camera, what can I say? Alphen was 1982's Penthouse Pet of the Year and only did a few movies after this one, which is really surprising when you consider how long Tiffani-Amber Thiessen's career has been puttering along now.
3) Screwballs
"Screwballs" isn't only great because it's the big Canadian entry in the genre (some people would count "Porky's", but that was shot in Florida using Canadian money), it's also great because it crystallizes what makes these movies so much fun in the first place: they're better than reality. I don't mean just for the fact that 98% of the women are attractive (there's always the token fat girl) or that everyone gets laid by the end, either. It's the simple fact that everyone gets along and there's only one or two jerks around to ruin it.
In "Screwballs", the wisecracking popular guy, the rich guy (we know he's rich because he carries a tennis racket around all the time and wears a sweater tied around his neck), the shy new guy, the fat guy and the greasy nerd are all sent to the principal's office at the same time and decide to forge some kind of Super Friends alliance to get the most virginal girl in school to show her boobs. The virginal girl's name is "Purity Busch", so you know exactly what you're in for here. The fact that five completely different guys team up with absolutely no insults traded is astounding, but when the other girls find out about their plot and decide to HELP THEM HOWEVER THEY CAN, you realize how far from reality these movies can get. Really, if we all could live in a world where everyone was cool to each other, the girls put out regularly (and nobody thought lesser of them for doing so) and jerks had their comeuppance by the end of the day, wouldn't we all be that much happier?
4) Hardbodies
The plot: young guys manipulate old guys into paying for their summer pad by telling the old guys they can get them laid by young girls (the "hardbodies" of the title). That's really all the premise you need, isn't it? Well, it gets better because Malachai from "Children of the Corn" is one of the young guys and Kane Hodder (Jason from the latter few "Friday the 13th" flicks) plays one of the nerds trying to beat up the young guys. I swear, the more ridiculous you get with these things, the better they are for it.
Aside from one of the old guys having a really big, greying beard that makes my skin crawl every time I think of it touching a woman,
*shudder*
this is one of the hotter flicks of the list. LOTS of nudity, LOTS of hijinks, LOTS of Malachai wearing wacky 80's sunglasses.
This was originally made to be shown on Playboy TV, so you know the sleaze factor is off the charts. I haven't seen the show (mostly because I'm a heterosexual male who still possesses his balls), but I've heard that there's a Gilmore Girls episode in which one of the characters loves this movie and dumps her new boyfriend when he ends up hating it. I can see the logic, anyone that dislikes this movie would have to be secretly evil.
5) Hot Moves
This is a bit of a dark horse choice on my part, but I'm biased. See, I saw this cover back at some mom n' pop video store as a kid and the image of a giant woman's shapely caboose ruined me for life. I actually have an original theatrical poster of this flick that is proudly hanging on the wall behind me. So yeah, I'm a bit of a fan.
Also, these movies seemed to have a weird fascination with giant women. Just look at this one and Spring Break above, it's a bit creepy.
This is another "get laid before summer vacation ends" type of flick and it's got the usual suspects in the group such as the "normal" guy, the fat guy and the nerd. Only this time the nerd isn't so much a nerd, he's just really little. What sets this movie apart for me (aside from that genius poster design) would be the T&A factor. I'm sure some people get all uncomfortable with this, but what the hell is the point of these flicks otherwise? These movies were made under the guise of "comedies" when they were really just excuses to get boob shots to kids before the age of internet pornography came along and ruined it. The nudity in these flicks seems almost innocent and quaint today.
So we have Monique Gabrielle (who, between this and "Deathstalker II", probably gets my vote for "Best 80's Boobs") and Deborah Richter,
as well as Jill Schoelen.
Schoelen never did anything for me, but she seems to be the preteen fantasy girl for half the dudes in my generation. She seems nice, though.
This is everything you want in an 80's sex comedy thrown in one place. No weird surprises, just by-the-numbers fun for everyone.
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